Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
