This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize