So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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