Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
