Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
