Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize