Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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