I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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