Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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