the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
