I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize