She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
