so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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