what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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