hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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