Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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