I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
