Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
