he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
