theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
