so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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