I'm gonna have a badass scar
I can text with my tongue
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
