I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
