walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
