i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
