Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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