there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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