Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
