1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
drinking out of a sandbucket again
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
