I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
