just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
