I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
