your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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