note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
