She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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