Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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