maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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