its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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