Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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