it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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