1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
