i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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