you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
