Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
