you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize