I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
