My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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