i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
