you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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