I think I just saw someone hide a body.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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