you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
