Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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