I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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