If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
