you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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