I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
