Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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