Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
