I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Don't EVER smell your tampon
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
