Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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