On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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