Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
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