I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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