If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
