It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
